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FFD2012

kaesha_nikovana

The Ramblings of a Seamstress, Gardener, Chicken Keeper, and Housewife

Proof of My Adventures (and Misadventures!)


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FFD2012
kaesha_nikovana

Angsty About Life

Yep, even I have my moments of angst. You'll rarely get me to admit it, but it does happen.

Sometimes I get these funks. It just kind of hits me all at once that my life isn't what I always pictured it would be. Not that my life is bad, because it's certainly not. I guess growing up, I had some ideas of where I would go, and I couldn't be farther from it right now.

There are so many things I want right now. Ben and I have been looking at houses. We found a big-time fixer upper down the street from us. What potential this place has! Right now it's just a shell of a home, not wired, plumbed, insulated, or drywalled, not to mention needing a furnace and central air. It will take lots of work to make this place liveable, much less comfortable. We view this as an opportunity to make this house exactly what we want it to be. Now, the downside. It's in such a state that banks may not want to lend money on it. Even if we could get a mortgage for it, we'd need probably $30,000 more to refurbish it. Those loans are hard to get, and our credit is, shall we say, tarnished. So you can probably tell, I got a little more hopeful about this place than I should have, and now I'm trying to deal with the fact that it probably won't happen. Yessiree, certainly not the first time that particular thing has happened to me...you'd think I would have learned by now.

So, this has led me to think about some things. I have some aspirations...things I'd like to accomplish (like becoming a homeowner) and places I'd like to go in life (being in a successful and enjoyable profession) and some frivolous things I just really want (my 'vacation'). Unfortunately, I have nothing to speak of to back these desires up with. I have a college degree that's pretty much worthless. I have no one to blame but myself for that. All the times I could have studied harder, not skipped class, or just fucking thought about what the hell I was doing there, I blew off. How shameful! Thinking of all my missed opportunities just kills me. All the money, time, and effort I wasted (and not just my own!), all the people I've disappointed by graduating, and then going on to such an illustrious job as my Home Depot gig. What the fuck was I thinking? How could I have had so little foresight? I'm really paying the price now...I have these great dreams that I cannot possibly back up with the necessary finances. While some things are still feasible, such as getting a home that would suit our needs...I still hate the fact that this great opportunity to create our dream home will probably pass us by, and I can pretty much thank myself for that. This 'vacation' will be taking a back burner to the home-buying, and it may stay there indefinitely until I get a handle on just how much a home really costs every month (so just how many hidden costs are there with a house???) Again, thanking myself for that. And an enjoyable career? What a laugh. I'm almost 26, and I really don't have a clue what I want to do with that part of my life. If I at least had a direction, I might be able to come up with a game plan on how to make it happen. But I can't even figure that out! Most children can tell you what they want to be when they grow up. Why the hell can't I? How pathetic.

Enough pissing and moaning. I'm going to bed.

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Well at least I am not the only one in the world that does a little self examination from time to time. I wouldn't stress so much about where you are in life though. I have known you what seems like forever now and in that time I have never not seen you get what you want when you put your mind to it. Since life is a constant changing of events, what you want out of it will follow suit. I have seen you go from never wanting to marry to becoming a wife, wanting to be a vet to being interested in new media. So, i would just say know what you want, and decide if you are willing to wait to get it. While your at it concentrate on what you "DO" have in your life and I am sure everything will be fine. Then again I am just a raving lunatic, so if my advice don't help, here is a virtual hug.... "HUGS!!!!"


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